By Erich Kauffman, LCPC
While having a family member in active addiction can be quite a harrowing experience, what many people don’t realize is that having a family member in recovery has its own set of challenges and relationship traps. If someone in your family is in recovery, they’re not the only one who needs to take care of themselves: Make sure to take care of yourself in this process, too. Anticipating the challenges can help you be more resilient to them. Below are six common difficulties that couples and families may encounter while their loved one is in recovery. 1. The Emotional Rollercoaster and Post-Acute Withdrawal
Many (but not all) people in early recovery feel like they are on an emotional rollercoaster. They are experiencing feelings they haven’t felt for months and years. Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) is experienced by many people in early recovery and can contribute to the emotional rollercoaster. PAWS can last for up to 18 months. It consists of having heightened stress sensitivity and anxiety, low energy and depression, impaired concentration and short-term memory loss, poor coordination and balance, and sleep disturbance.
As a family member, you may wonder: “Is this how sobriety looks?” and “Will I have to get used to him/her having angry outbursts or debilitating anxiety?” You may even question whether recovery is a good idea. How to Take Care of Yourself Know that these are all normal thoughts and feelings to have. Your loved one is still in the process of stabilization. Be patient with them and with yourself. If, however, this stage continues or appears to be unusually intense, your family member may require a medication designed to treat PAWS and/or additional support (e.g. individual therapy, sober support). If you are unsure if the severity of symptoms are normal, check in with your support network, including your family member’s doctor and/or professional care provider. 2. Dealing with Your Loved One’s Absence
If you felt that your family member wasn’t present during active addiction, be prepared to have some of those same feelings in recovery. Recovery is most effective as a fully immersive experience. That means your loved one may be attending multiple sober support meetings a week, meeting with a sponsor, attending formal outpatient rehab treatment, and/or seeing an individual therapist.
How to Take Care of Yourself Recovery is a major time commitment! It is important to understand that as your loved one’s recovery progresses the time commitment will not be as intense. However, there are some people in long-term recovery (e.g. 30 years sober) who still attend one meeting a day. Even though your family member may not be around as much as you may like, the time that you spend together can now be quality time. Hopefully, when your loved one is available they will now be mentally present and emotionally engaged in your relationship. 3. Difficulty with Changing Roles
Families can get quite used to the roles each respective member of the family plays. Even if you were unhappy with certain roles you or your family members were playing, the bottom line is that change is uncomfortable!
You may have grown used to “over-functioning” in the relationship, while your loved one was “under-functioning.” For example, while your partner was in active addiction you may have become used to them “going with the flow” with family decisions. They could do that because they were intoxicated. But now that they are sober they will likely assert themselves and their true opinions. This may cause some conflict where there wasn’t any before. Another common example involves the re-introduction of a parent into the family system. If a parent was physically or emotionally absent while they were in active addiction, children will need to get used to their sober parent setting limits and directing the show. Likewise, their spouse will have to get used to parenting as a team if they have been used to parenting alone. How to Take Care of Yourself Addiction is often called a “family disease.” Likewise, recovery requires a family effort. It takes patience, open communication, and a willingness to be flexible and adapt to new roles. Any time a family learns a “new dance” the initial attempts may seem awkward or downright messy. With time, open discussion, and education, your family can heal. 4. Being Challenged to Grow, Too
As your loved one starts to get healthy, the spotlight may turn on you. At times, you may feel intimidated by the progress your loved one is making.
Your initial reaction to such a suggestion may be anger (and fear); you may be insulted and feel blamed for your family member’s addiction. You may feel that it is your loved one’s responsibility to make things right. These are normal feelings to have. How to Take Care of Yourself As your loved one is learning: “feelings are not facts.” The facts here are that all people have areas in their life that they can refine and heal. Are there some areas of growth that you can explore and begin to work on? The healthier you can be and become, the smoother the path of recovery for you and your loved one. A guiding principle in recovery is to focus on “keeping your side of the street clean.” 5. Ineffective Unloading of Past Anger and Resentments
Finally, your loved one has accepted help and is on the road to recovery. It’s very common for family members to feel a strong urge to unload all their anger and resentments. Now that they’re finally listening, you want them to know how it really was.
The overall sense of disconnection, betrayal, and powerlessness you felt while your loved one was in active addiction may have been overwhelming and even traumatic. As a family member, you may have pleaded and begged for your loved one to change and enter into recovery. Your pain may have built up for years and years, and it’s normal for you to want to share it. The difficulty with sharing such emotions in early recovery is that it may be emotionally overwhelming, shaming or even relapse-triggering for your loved one. How to Take Care of Yourself It’s important for both you and your loved one’s recovery to be heard and to express what you went through. Doing so in a productive manner and with the right timing is the key. Having an outside person or professional to process your feelings with, like a therapist or a sponsor, can help you process feelings before discussing it with your loved one. Sometimes people find that once they discuss with an outside person the need to share it with their loved one dissipates. For other people, the emotions may be so intense that having a third party in the room may help facilitate those discussions. 6. Relapse Anxiety
Having intense or underlying fear about potential relapse is very common. Most likely, your loved one also has anxiety surrounding the possibility of relapse. Thoughts like “Well, when will the other shoe drop?” or “Is he high right now? He does look kind of tired…” are to be expected.
What is vitally important in this process is that you learn to manage and express that anxiety. People in early recovery often struggle with being unnecessarily accused of relapse. Similarly, feeling overly controlled or “treated like a baby” can be emotionally overwhelming. It is not uncommon for family members to use anger and guilt to motivate their loved one to maintain sobriety. These reactions and strategies stem from relapse anxiety. What is paradoxical is that they can unintentionally trigger a relapse! How to Take Care of Yourself There are different strategies that family members use to help decrease relapse anxiety. Clear communication with your loved one about expectations and accountability measures can greatly reduce anxiety. Accountability measures may include having consent to discuss your loved one’s progress in treatment, access to bank accounts, an agreement that if you suspect a relapse you have permission to breathalyze or drug test, or an agreement about acceptable boundaries (e.g. curfew, treatment attendance etc.) It is also helpful to have an open discussion about relapse warning signs. Relapse is a process, not an event. Relapse warning signs are the thoughts, feelings and behaviors that precede a relapse. If you know what to be on the lookout for that increases accountability and decreases anxiety. Typical warning signs include isolation, decreased treatment/meeting attendance, emotional outbursts, dishonesty, and engaging in high-risk situations. If relapse anxiety persists you may want to consider developing your own support in this process, such as individual therapy or attending family support groups. This may be an opportune time to reflect on the role that anxiety has played in your life in general. Lastly, remember that the process of recovery requires tremendous patience. Over time trust will be rebuilt, and you will not always have to live with the intense fear of relapse. Resources for Extra Support
You are also in the process of recovering from living with your loved one’s active addiction. Your loved one is learning to ask for help and seek support. You need to do the same.
There are many options to get the education, support and self-care you need.
Do you feel like it backfires whenever you try to talk to your partner about something that’s bothering you? Maybe you don't want to be alone with what you’re feeling, or your partner did something that upset you. When you try to talk to them it never seems to be the right time.
Do You and Your Partner Keep Missing Each Other? When it comes to communication, timing is everything. Spontaneous talking can backfire! Let’s take this as an example: John walks in the door after a long day at work. He’s upset that his boss was controlling and demanding. He sees his wife, Claire, who has just started the night time routine with the kids. John’s upset about work so he starts talking about his day. He’s looking for some validation, but Claire responds with frustration.
John walks away feeling frustrated-- “I’m not a priority to her”
Claire leaves feeling unappreciated-- “I can’t believe he doesn’t get how many things I am juggling”
Later that same night, Claire is ready to sit down and relax as John is working on a late night proposal for work. Ready to unwind, she wants to tell John about her own work day and the great project that was just assigned to her, but John barely even hears her talking. Argh! John and Claire keep missing each other.
Why Do Conversations Go Wrong? We all need and deserve to be listened to and validated by our spouses, but too often conversations go wrong because it's not a good time to talk. Trying to talk about a sensitive topic at the wrong time is like expecting classical music to sound good while playing football, or like getting your nails done while gardening. Coordinating a good time to talk is the answer, but you’re not used to explicitly coordinating with each other. Maybe you think your partner should know what you need. Maybe you don’t realize that your partner is having a hard time because of your own feelings that you're grappling with. The “We Need To Talk Now” vs “Can We Talk Later [read as: Never]” Couple Dynamic Sometime people are afraid to coordinate because they are stuck in a Pursue/Avoid pattern. The pursuing partner doesn't want to wait – they have been waiting FOREVER and it feels like their avoidant spouse is never going to come around. The avoidant partner doesn't want to talk now – they feel the other person ALWAYS wants to talk and won't ever let it go. You deserve to be listened to and your partner deserves the space they need to relax. Both your needs are valid. By coordinating you can both get what you need.
How to Gently and Assertively Let Your Partner Know You Need to Talk
The next time you need to get something off your chest, take a peek at how your partner is doing. If it doesn't seem like a good time, then coordinate. Not sure how? Here are some great phrases you can use…
How to Kindly and Clearly Tell Your Partner You Need Some Space If you’re on the other side, and your partner is asking for something and you can't be present with them, then coordinate. It can feel stressful to have to say “No” to your partner, so here are some phrases to help...
Your Needs Are Important. Don’t Give Up! These above phrases are helpful because they allow you to clearly express your needs, but they aren’t a magic button. Sometimes it takes a few back and forths-- if you ask your husband when he can talk, and he says in 2 months, don't give up! Both of your needs are important. Instead say, “I know you need a break, and at the same time we have to talk about this sooner than that; how about at the end of the week? Don't give up if you try to coordinate a time and your timing needs don't match up on the first attempt. It might take a few back and forths to come up with a mutual time. |
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